I don't really know how to start this but... I have to get it out because it's been beating through my mind to be put out for quite some time.. So I'll give my mind what it wants -- Freedom from it.
The reason I moved to Colorado with a father that was a stranger to me and still is was because I was at my wits end with the way things were going at home... Me and my mother couldn't even be in the same room without something negative being said and I was tired of living next to her and her husband with whom I'd always here talking about me to his kids and even her.. But did she ever stand up for me.? Hell no...
The night I decided to leave, was the night he don't me I COULD leave and that I ain't have to be in HIS house... Two sentences that she will probably forever say he didn't mean... He did though...
Now being away from my mother, we had a cool relationship.. We were like friends and talked at the least, once a day... We'd gotten close.. I was even close to my other siblings...
Not even foue months had passed when I realized that my father wasn't shit and should have been left in the past... Only thing he gave me were two brothers and a sister... Which whom were all created through infidelity... But they were still family and my happiest times in Colorado were when my youngest brother on his side came to Colorado to be out there with me... I had an ally and a best friend... But like I said...
My father ain't shit so his "ain't shit" qualities drove my brother to leave -- Leaving me to myself again... My whole goal was to go out to Colorado and do me, stack up and be on my own... Fuck everyone... And I was still willing to do that even after my brother left but my brother's departure seemed to have created more tension in the house... Not to mention my father becoming a once again drug addict... Which I never knew he was in the past... Until I told my mother about him leaving for weeks at a time on crack binges and leaving me to be alone with his girlfriend and her son..
Luckily work had slowed down at the time or I'd have missed ALOT of money... But when he returned, he didn't even speak or look in my direction.. Let alone take and pick me up from work.. So I had to find my own ways there.. Luckily I'd learned the buses out there but the buses stopped super early and my work schedule was usually from 2pm til 2am.. So I was taking cabs home every night.. He also stopped buying groceries.. His girlfriend would only buy food for her son and they'd usually eat out.. So that left me to have to buy my own food and groceries, pay $2 a day for the bus and pay $20 a night for a cab ride home.. I was already making scratch at work even though they slaved us like dogs so now I was dipping deep into my bank account.. I also never wanted to be at home so I'd stay at a hotel with some friends on the days I didn't have to work, was smoking about 2 packs of ciggarettes a day and drinking due to stress... I was living paycheck to paycheck...
Some time after that, my father shockingly one day asked me if I wanted him to drive me to work... My mind told me something was up but all I could think of was time and the bit of money I'd save from having to take the bus so I accepted... then what my mind suspected came out.. He told me he was going away for 3months, his gf was going to geta 1bedroom place, and that her son was going to stay with a friend until he went off to college... That I could go with her if I helped her with the bills... What the fuck.?! So during my break I called my mother and told her about this news I was just delivered... This news also came just as I'd found out I was pregnant.. So now I'm finding out I'm pregnant and homeless...
I immediately start searching for my own apartment but realized I only made enough to cover rent and utilities.. Forget about food and other needs... And just my luck.. I also have a baby on the way.. I hadn't smoked or drank since I found out I was pregnant but all of the stress REALLY made me wish I could... I even thought about having an abortion but... That's something I could never go through with. So my last resort was to call my mother and tell her I wanted to come back home... I figured we were close now, nd things in the house would have changed.. it'd been over 6 months... She said she'd help me with the ticket and call my father and ask him to help me ship my things back to California and take me to the airport on my departure day.. he agreed to it.. SO I packed up ALL my shit 2 and half weeks prior to leaving... I was ready to get the fuck out that house..
Maybe a week and a half before I was supposed to leave, I was off work and went to the ATM to withdrawel some mone for a cab but the machine wouldn't let me get any out.. So... I had to call my father and see if he'd come get me.. Surprisingly he did... But once I got in the car, he told me we weren't going home right away.. All I said was, "ok"... He took me to a bar, though he was already a bit drunk.. A bar he said not even his gf knew he went to... Told me to order a drink... I ordered a Shirley Temple... A non-alcoholic drink... He made fun of the color of it.. Didn't know what it was.. Just thought it was a some sort of fruity alcoholic drink.. told me I'm supposed to order something like Hennesey straight.. I told him I was good... So he starts talking about some shit that I'm half listening to because it's after 2am, I'd been working all day and night, was feeling sick, and was tired of having to decipher his words.. Then he gets silent, orders another drink, dons half of it, then tells me that he knows I'm pregnant.. I just stared at him.. he knows I'm pregnant... Yet we'd been at this bar for almost 40 minutes and he keeps trying to make me get a glass of Hennesey or Bacardi... What the fuck.?!
He kept asking me who the father was and I wouldn't tell him.. He said he bet he knew who it was.. Actually named the father, lol.. But still I wouldn't tell him.. So he starts talking about how he's thought to be clinically crazy and could probably get away with killing someone.. Just tell the police he had a moment.. I told him I was glad he told me this and that the bartenders and customers overheard him.. they all laughed but I was kind of serious..
So some time after 4am, we leave the bar, he's had maybe 6 and a half drinks and a beer so he's fucked up... Nut he's still not ready to go home.. he tells me he wants to show me some other spots of his... I'm hoping it's not another bar... It wasn't.. But the places he took me were even worse.. Now I've grown up in the projects and been in the ghetto hoods all my life so I know the streets well... The second we pulled up to the first store, I knew the cars I saw to be cars of drug dealers before they even rolled their windows down and knew the cars pulling in to be the cars of people looking to find drugs, including the one we were in.. Yes, this was one of the places he dissapeared to get crack.. And from all the drug dealers and seekers knowing him, I knew there was also more than crack going through his system.. After going into the store to use the ATM and coming out empty handed, due to the machine being down.. He left to find another ATM.. After going to 3 more plus seeing if he could get crack on credit from another dealer, he drove all the way back home to use the ATM outside the bank..
Coming up empty handed again.. he took me to a crack house... Trying to see if he could score off one of them.. They were dry, or else not willing to give up their goods, so he then took me to a few whore houses to see if any of the women he's givenmoney to would be willing to give him some of what they got but none were out so finally he gave up.. I forgot to mention he'd asked me for money earlier.. So he stops the car and tells me that I'm going to drive us home.. Keep in mind, it's still pitch black, Colorado barely has street lights, I had no glasses, was half sleep, sick, and wasn't a driver.. Plus I'm taking directions on the quickest way to get home from Crack/Whore County by a very drunken man... So I ended up getting pulled over... Thank God they let me off -- without a Driver's license mind you... {brushes my shoulder off}
So.. remember I said my father was supposed to help me ship my boxes back here.? Wellhe didn't didn't.. Nights before I left.. He went on a another crack binge.. While his gf was in Maine at her mother's funeral.. He also brought home some young, white, and chubby girl with whom he slept with in their bed, on the sheets they slept on every night.. I wasn't even sure if he was going to be there to take me to the airport.. So I had my mother call him to remind him of the date and time and if he was going to still take me.. he told her he was... She also told him I needed to go close my account since we don't have that bank out here.. he said he would do that too.. The reason I didn't do it myself was because I wasn't talking to him... So the day before I was supposed to leave, he called me and told me that he'd be home and 4:30 to take me to the bank and to ship the boxes... So I got ready... 4:30 came and went... He then called back at 5pm and told me that a friend of his would pick me up and take me to the bank.. He shoud be there at 5:30... That came and went.. By 7pm.. I WENT to bed...
4:30am, I get a msg from him telling me that e'd be home @t 7:45 to take me to the airport and that he'd ship my boxes home for me through the hotel's UPS account.. He came home after 8am.. When I had to be in Denver by 10:30...Talked on the phone for a minute and drank before even loading my luggage in his car... Finally he's ready to leave after getting one more drink.. Stops at gas station... Tells me I could take all my money out my accounts for free at this one and just call the bank when I get home and tell them to close my account... I said ok even though I knew we were going to be late only because he smelled like stale ass, musty ass sex, crack, and booze... I needed some air.! The machine kept telling me my code was wrong, which I knew it wasn't so I called and they told me I'd have to change my code but couldn't use it until 24hrs had passed but I could go to any bank to withdrawel money from either of my accounts... When he turned back the other way to go towards the bank, I wondered what the fuck was he doing since we were already going to be late and why he wanted to take me to the bank now when he was BEEN supposed to but didn't...
So.. As we're driving to Denver.. He's on the phone with someone telling them how he has NO money, doesn't know how he's going to pay his half of the rent and bills, get groceries, pay his half of the carnote {which his gf couldn't even drive but the car was in her name and she was paying more than him on it}, and a list of other things.. I KNEW then that he was going to ask me for money and that's the only reason he was so eager to help me with that pat of his deal... So we arrive at the station.. This nigga helped me bring my four suitcases in, stood in line for a sec with me then said something about how he needed to go back to try and get some money fro a friend before some office closed but needed to borrow $40 for gas to make it back and to the places...
So since he'd supposedly be handling getting my boxes shipped on his own..i gave it to him.. Would let that go on the money spent for them.. Soon as I gave it to him.. he basically said bye and left immediately.. Didn't even see if I'd still be allowed to get on my flight.. Which I wasn't.. Had to be put on a later flight which may or may have not had extra seats.. Plus my luggage was so heavy and due to the new 2 suitcases per passenger rule, I didn't have enough to get all my luggage on the flight.. I was $60 short from the over $200 dollar price.. So I called him and told him what happened.. He tells me he's already in Colorado Springs and if I could just leave my suitcases there and he pick the up the next day.. i told him I'd asked and tey said no.. So he had to come back and get them... Keep in mind Denver is 2hrs away from the springs and I'd only been in the airport for 40 minutes..
So he comes and picks up the luggage, and leaves immediately again after telling me to call him to make sure I made it to Cali.. Now I have to wait 3 and a half hours to even see if they'll have room for xtra passengers on this flight.. Thank God they did.. So once I get off the flight and get picked up, I call him to tell him I did and this nigga the audacity to tell me that his birthday was a week ago and I didn't get him nothing so what was I going to send him from Cali.. i told him nothing and to consider the money I GAVE him a birthday gift.. This bastard said he wanted something else.. Like a platinum chain..I told him he was crazy and funny... That my phone was going to die and I had to go.. Last time I talked to him.. And til this day, he hasn't shipped my things.. Probably sold them for crack money or gave them to his girlfriend's daughter who's fat ass can't fit into shit anyway..
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Back home...
So the first week back home.. my mother tells me she has to stay at a hotel for a week for work reasons and that her husband has to fly somewhere that as well so I'd be watching the kids.. What the fuck.? Back in this babysitter, house sitter sit already.?! But I didn't complain.. until.. the night one of her kids whom I know longer consider my brother threw a box of ice cream at me and hit me in my stomach, right where the baby was and she blamed me for arguing with someone younger than me and called me childish.. Fuck seeing if I was okay or anything.. I'm wrong for upsetting HIM.. What type of shit is that.. That was view one that ain't shit changed with her or in te house... then wonce she returned.. Now I had no clothes, or money to get new clothes yet the ones I did have or fitting tight and my breasts are bursting out of my shirts... She's constantly telling me I'm being fast and don't need to be walking around the house in front of men like that.. What she meant by men was her hsuband.. So I told her if she didn't like the clothes I had, why don't she buy me some that fit... She said nothing. Just stared at me then walked away..
So remember i said the day of my flight home was the last time I talked to my father.? And not because I didn't try to contact him... I called, texted and even emailed his gf to ask them if they were going to send my shit or not.. And never got an answer or response from neither of them... Well one day he called my mother's cell and told her that there was a check at the hotel from me and that he couldn't pick it up and send it to me unless I sent a letter to them telling them he could.. What the fuck.?! This nigga is trying to take my damn check.. he must think people are as dumb as him... So, I immediately sent a fax to the hotel giving them my forwarding address to send it to me.. I guess they didn't tell him I did that because a week later I get an email from his gf telling the same thing he told my mother... Now this bitch wants to contact me.??? Ha.. That was the last time me and my mother heard from either of them...
So my mother... Whom instantly went back to her old ways once I came home.. Once the check arrived, she wanted to know how much it was for and I wouldn't tell her so she was pissed at me for that.. Her husband too was back to his ways... So I had to use that check for groceries for myself because they were never buying any and would go get the kids fast food but not bring me anything back.. So that was gone quick.. But I stretched the shit out of it.. And thank God that when my grandmother stayed over for a week she gave me $20 because I'd completely ran out of money and didn't know what I was going to do for food..
My mother saw me come in the house with a few groceries one day and demanded to know where I got the money from.. I wouldn't tell her so again, that pissed her off.. Then when one of my siblings asked me for something, I told them no, and to go ask their mother.. I cursed out and told how I could leave out of her house and how I'd be fixed for being trifling.. I said nothing.. Ignored it... She went upstairs.. Came down a half hour later and asked me if I was stealing money from her.. i just laughed and ignored her again.. She asked again and I didn't even blink.. So she went back upstairs.. When her husband came home.. I heard her upstairs arguing with him.. Asked him if he was giving me money.. he told her no and why would he give me money... She asked him where was I getting it from then.. he told her not him and to ask me... She then asked him what was he doing with me or what was I doing for him to be getting money from him... Wowwww...
That moment I wished I wasn't pregnant so I could go atleast 3hrs without throwing up so I cold get a new job and get the fuck away from these crazy ass people.. I didn't talk to anyone in the house after that.. Not the kids even.. In which their heads were being filled with notions, that I was evil, hateful, stingy, and trifling by their parents anyway.. So they didn't want anything to do with me either.. Until after they'd found a new place to move.. in which my mother approached me and told me that if I was going to move with them, I'd have to cook 3 times and week and clean up as payment for living with them...
So once we moved, things were going pretty smooth.. But of course.. it always comes to the deep end of the pool.. A week or so ago.. I was in my mother's room asking her if she was going to braid my hair, which I'd be asking her repeatedly all that week.. She said she'd do it if I braided one of my sister's heads.. Which I did.. So now it was her turn to do her part of the deal.. Now I'm asking her, and also asking her if she was still going to throw me a baby shower because my aunt in law wanted to know and I needed to give her an answer.. Everytime I asked her a question, she ignored it or started to answer and then stopped to answer someone else question... So I said, "Can I get a yes or no so I can leave.?" She blows up and asks me why am I in her room anyway.. That I'm only in there because her husband is in the room and why am I in there with a shirt and short shorts on with my robe open anyway.. Who am I dressed like that for or some shit.. I wanted to throw the phone I had in my hand at her but instead, I walked out her room, slamming the door behind me and went upstairs to the other duplex to do something out of pure and utter anger.. I cut my hair and cut my arm...
Is it possible to truly hate the people who gave birth to you.? I think I might...
In closing, I say to the both of them,
Fuck You
Signed Sincerely,
ShaToya Q.
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