-:|:-.Acceptance.-:|:-

Have you ever loved someone and felt so good about loving that person, then one day, at one moment, thought to yourself, "I don't think I'm good enough for him/her... What does he/she see in me.?"

I have... Twice...

I look at my life sometimes and the people I let in it as well as let me in theirs and it's like, "Wow... Now that person is going places..." and then I reflect on myself and it's like, "I ain't worth shit...". I guess when you grow up hearing it all the time, it starts to seep within you and in my situation right now, where I'm at, compared to where I should be, it kind of seems true.

I almost broke up with my boyfriend(constantly pushing him away) quite a few times because of this feeling before accepting the fact that he accepted me for me... Even did some things I'm not proud that I did because of my feelings... I look at my arm and see the scars of it every day and remember being near death. Now I seem to be doing it all over again with my girlfriend...

My boyfriend was telling me some things about her and I was smiling and laughing at first about like, "Ahh, that's my bae.! Super smart and super dedicated no matter how much sleep she got... She's going to be something major...". Then those feelings I talked about before started to seep through...

I just wonder sometimes, "Why is she with me.? What makes her put up with me.? What makes her love me.? What makes her want to be with me.?" because I don't think I'd be with myself... I'd want to be someone who I could see something in.

-:|:-.A.Poem.&.A.Song.-:|:-

Okay, I was supposed to post these yesterday but... Well I forget why I didn't or what I was doing.. :-s .. Any way, here they are...

-:|:-.My.Girl.-:|:-

She's like water running down my back in the Summer
And sun shining on me in the Spring
My warm comforter in the Winter
As the seasons change, she's everything

She's my story to share with the world
And my dream to keep as I sleep
My sight to see when I'm awake
And the sound that blesses me

She's the drive that keeps me going
And that will for me to be
That belief that I can do anything
And that hand that congratulates me

She's my passion... She's my love
She's my inspiration... She's my world
She's my life... She's my heart
But best of all... She's my girl©


-:|:-.So.Amazing.-:|:-

.Verse 1.
Look at your face and watch your step, boy I'm so proud of you
I admire every little single thing you do
You are my boo, you are my love, boy, you're my act right
I couldn't live, I couldn't breathe without you by my side
I want you here, I want you now in the worst way
Never been more sure of where I wanna stay

.Pre-Chorus.
Come and take me
Come and hold me
Daddy make me moan
Hurry home
I'll try to wait 'til you get here

.Chorus.
Your love.. Is so amazing
Above.. Is how you came to me
Joy.. Is what you gave to me
So glad.. That you were made for me(2x's)

.Verse 2.
I wake from dreaming and I'm feinding, boy, I need your touch
Your love- It takes me to a place and I can't get enough
The way you please me and release me, it's so lovely babe
Got me floating and I'm hoping this will never change
You are my pride, you are my life, you're everything to me
And when I need you, you're right there and always down for me

.Pre-Chorus.
Come and take me
Come and hold me
Daddy make me moan
Hurry home
I'll try to wait 'til you get here

.Chorus.
Your love.. Is so amazing
Above.. Is how you came to me
Joy.. Is what you gave to me
So glad.. That you were made for me (2x's)

.Bridge.
Never been.. Any more sure
That this where, I need to be, want to be
You're the one.. That showed me love
Before then, I was blindly hiding
Now I'm open and it feels so right
And it's time I properly thank you tonight


.Pre-Chorus.
Come and take me
Come and hold me
Daddy make me moan
Hurry home
I'll try to wait 'til you get here

.Chorus.
Your love.. Is so amazing
Above.. Is how you came to me
Joy.. Is what you gave to me
So glad.. That you were made for me©

-:|:-.Reminisce.-:|:-

"Baby boy listen to me now, it's time you let me break it down
I just reminisced on how we met, and this is something I would never forget
From the moment your lips said hi, it's like I pictured your name in lights
I bought tickets to all your shows, and I'm going to be there sitting in the front row

Superstar, face from a movie screen
Superstar, like the cover of a magazine
No matter what you do, you'll always be my superstar
Superstar, I'm your number one fan by far. Superstar"

When me and my husband reminisce on how we met, it's the funniest thing because if you let his ass tell it, this nigga just looked at me and had me gliding to him like a damn Spike Lee movie, lol. That is NOT the case... I had him pull out all the stops to get this shit here.! Lol.. Let me stop.. I was hard for him to get but not THAT hard... He did have to show me another side of his self though. My, my, what a good side... backside that is... Lol jokes.! *winks* Giving him a "Chance"(If you don't get why I put that in quotes, don't worry, he does, lol) was probably by far the best decision I made and it led me to make other good decisions.. I might express those later. Lol, I don't know why but I keep getting that movie trailer voice in my head, lol...

"One man.." *clip of him* "and one woman..." *clip of me* "from different worlds.." *screen splits and shows both of our hometowns* "meet and their lives change forever.."

*Mario - Just A Friend plays and flashes of him approaching me, me not accepting his advances, him sitting down while I eat lunch (we're in college) and making me laugh, then us talking and getting to know each other*... "Friends they began.. But will friends they remain.???"

*Song changes to Ciara - Ooh Baby and flashes show of me beginning to feel for him more than a friend and us having those "love in the eyes" moments, then a flash of us kissing, and a flash of us beginning to take each others clothes off... Now clips of us looking inseperable show and the music dies down as we tell each other, "I love you"... "But is love enough.?"

*Song changes to Chingy Ft. Tyrese - Pulling Me Back and flashes of us arguing, me alone crying, and him alone with his head down.. Then he runs out in the rain, up to my dorm and the camera goea back and forth between the two if us...

*Erykah Badu Ft. Common - Love Of My Life begins to play... "Watch this Epic tale of two lovers who meet, fall for each other, and face the problems that love brings in, "Soulmates".. Coming to a theatre near you...."

Lol, I oughta write that movie...

_.X.Smoochies.Boochies.X._

-:|:-.Monday.-:|:-

Well... Nothing to talk about today.. I actually went to sleep though, lol... I forgot what that felt like... But I woke up feeling wore out, wtf.?

Spent most of the day and night with my husband... He's trying to talk me into something of the permanant nature, lol... Should I or shouldn't I.??? He must wait and see... Then we watched "I Love New York"...

Omg... NY's mom is really damn nut.!! I was cracking the hell up at her... NY was actually pretty cool for now, lol... She's looking kinda good too.. DID I JUST SAY THAT.!? Lmao... Well I was looking mostly at her tits so maybe it doesn't count...

Some of them niggas were kind of cute... Some of them niggas seemed gay, and some of them niggas was just... One nigga was a double "No".! Out of shape and cock-eyed.. How did HE make it through to the show.??? But he went home that night, lol. I like that nigga Chance though... He's a good character to the show, lol. He about to get some fights and shit started I can see... Nigga had me rollin'.!

So will I be watching the whole season.??? HELL YEAH.!

_.X.Smoochies.Boochies.X_

P.S. Why the hell am I jamming to the damn "Dreamgirls" OST.? Lol.

-:|:-.Sunday.-:|:-

Today was a day of... Of everything, lol...

I laughed, I cried, I got angry, I sympathized.. La, La, La.... You know the rest...
My mom made me take my brother Fatboy(13) to the mall to get some new kicks... Ooh I saw these candles there.. These gel candles with little creations inside and the jars were shaped like crystal balls. There were two that I would have wanted.. One had butterflies.. And another had doves... Anybody who knows me, knows that I'm a fan of both... Still gotta get a butterfly tat on my upper back.. Already got a dove on my lower back...

I was bored and sleepy..this nigga going from store to store looking for black shoes... *straight face*.. But damn... I saw these flyy ass pair of And1's that I'd love to own.. Them bitches went 18.! And I saw these Jamaican pair too... I want those and to find a cute ass Bob Marley shirt... Damn I need to get shit together so I can get these things.! Lol. *cries* Tired of window shopping man...!" Lol

So thennn.. on the way home... Man.. taking the bus is fun sometimes.. You get some damn characters.! First.. my bro spotted this woman with this fucked up ass wig on her head right... This nigga stood behind as she was about to pay the fare and went "Aroof.!!" Dumbass... I was cracking the hell up...

And then.. there was this White girl dressed like a dude and I thought she was at first until she asked me for a lighter... So she keeps walking back and forth pass the bus line and everybody is looking at her like, "What the hell is wrong with this dusty hoe.???" And she stands by this one nigga who was with two females and he ain't want her by him so he let her ass know, lol. So she left then came right back... So they all looking at her like, "Wtf.!?" So the bus is about to load so dude ain't say anything to her... He just got up and walked towards the bus... And she stands next to his ass again... So again.. he moves... Then she walks off...

So they load up on the bus and we all sit in the back.. 'Cause that's what us cool black kids do.! Lmao... And she's on the front at first.. But then she comes towards the back, and the nigga is like, "I hope she don't come sit back here.. Ugh.! She is.!" And she sits right next to him... This nigga looked at her like she was the damn plague.. We was rollin'.! So she gets up and walks off the bus.. i thought they ran the girl off... And she's standing outside of the bus... And they are just gettin' on her ass.! And they spotted some spots on her neck right.? One girl was like, "Ugh.! Y'all what's all that shit on her neck.. is them hickies.!? Wtf.!?" Why 'ol boy was like, "Hell nah.. Them ain't no damn hickey marks.. Them is "beat up" marks.!"

So then, she gets back on the bus and they like, "She bet not come back here..." And she did and sat across dude... So he got up and sat in the front... So she goes and sits in the front... So he comes back and one of the girls puts her legs in the seat across from him.. So then he's like, "N-no.! You bet not sit next to me...Awe damn.!" Because she did, lmao.. So he gets up and and says some shit to her and asks, "Why the hell you keep messing with me.? Stalkin' me and shit..."
And she says, "You started it.!" And he days, "No I didn't bitch. YO' dusty ass came next to me outside and started fuckin' around..."
This white hoe, lmao.. She says. "I ain't no bitch, bitch." But she said that last one kind of low, lmao...

So the girl that was next to me kind of heard and was like, "Excuse me, wtf you just say to him.!?"

White girl was like, " I said I ain't no bitch."

Black girl says, "That's what you better has said... I was about to go off on you..."

White girl says, "Well he was th one that started talking about me.!"

Black girl saya, " I don't care.. you don't say shit else to him, you deal with me."

I started to say, "she did call him a bitch..." I wanted to see the black girl go off on her ass, lol... She looked like she could fight.

So she shuts up and sits there... But now, the two girls are talking about her ass like a damn dog, lmao... So she gets up, we all thought she was about to go back over to dude.. but then she stops and dusts off the seat next to my brother.. I leaned forward like, "Well hold on now... Watch it.." Lol.. So she walked ahead and sat in another seat.. And I leaned back in mine and then my bro and the girls started laughing...

I wasn't in no laughing mood at that time.. Because the bus had started moving like 5 minutes prior and I was reading a rude email from someone on my phone *cough*Eryk*cough*cough* Lol.

Anyway.. I must go now.. I'm hungry as hell, The pains are coming back, And I need a shower.

_.X.Smoochies.Boochies.X._

-:|:-.It's.A.New.Day.-:|:-

Yes, yes...
I'm feeling much better for some reason, lol.

Right Now Listening To: Beyonce - Suga Mama

Come sit on mama lap.! Lol. I can handles it.!

I took pics last night because I was bored... That's the only time I take pics or unless it is requested. I was trying to bring out my Asian attributes... Did I do a good job.? I'ma kill this one hoe by the way... She said it probably took a whole stick of lipstick to cover my lips.. Got damn hoe.! Lmao... I still love her though...

_.X.Smoochies.Boochies.X._

-:|:-.Get.It.Out.-:|:-

Usually when a man has a ho on the side... He doesn't care about her... It's just for the sex... So what do you call it when it's the opposite.?

Not saying she's either.. Because I don't really know.. I don't know what to believe anymore... I just know what I feel... Just makes me feel like I'm not number one... 1 1/2.. As in almost number two... He knows the way I feel about her, I've expressed it constantly. Cried about it... And yelled about it.. And each time.. He PROMISES... Never again... Yet Never in his book seems to be short lived.. 'Cause look.. There he goes again... I feel like such a fool.. I guess my feelings don't compare to hers... My heart doesn't matter as much...

Damn this hurts...

• Resentment • | by Beyonce Knowles
(Verse 1:)
I wish I could believe you
then Ill be alright
But now everything you told me, really don't apply
to the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy
once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you, have multiplied
And it's all because you lied.

(Chorus:)
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
but I'm much too full of resentment.

(Verse 2:)
Just can't seem to get over
the way you hurt me
Don't know how you gave another
who didn't mean a thing
the very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you
and I know you've changed
As much as I wanna trust you
I know it aint the same
And it's all it's all because you lied.

(Chorus:)
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
but I'm much too full of resentment
I may never understand why
I'm doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
but I'm much too full of resentment.

(Bridge:)
(You lied)
I'll always remember feelin?
(You lied)
like I was no good
(You lied)
Like I couldn't do it for you
(You lied)
like your mistress could
(ohh yeah)
And it's all because you lied.

(You lied)
Loved you more than ever
(You lied)
more than my own life
(You lied)
But this part of me I gave you
(You lied)
it was sacrifice
(Sacrifice)
And it's all because you lied.

(Chorus:)
I only give you hard a time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I tried and tried to forget this
(I tried and I tired and I tired)
but I'm too damn much too full of resentment.

(sung softly:)
I know she was attractive
but I was here first
Been ridin' with you for 6 years
why did I deserve
to be treated this way by you (you)
I know your probably thinkin'
what's up with B
I been cryin' for too long
what did you do to me
I used to be so strong
Now you took my soul
Im cryin'
Can't stop cryin'
Can't stop cryin'
You coulda told me
you wasn't happy
I know you didn't wanna hurt me
but look what you done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes
and see she's half of me
How could you lie

-:|:-.Lost.-:|:-

I feel as if I'm losing everything from my state of mind down to my appetite...

I can't even think straight about things because I seem to have a constant migraine... Thinking of drastic ways to solve my problems but I don't want to become addicted to the escape...

Why does it seem like my life is the only one that's fucked up.? Like I'm the only one trapped without a way out.? Like everyone's lives are moving forward and rising yet I'm in the same spot and sinking.?

There's got to be some way to get out of this hole... The that's filled with quicksand... Maybe I need a hand to lift me, but who.?

Guess there's nothing to do at the moment but to pray about it... Just feels like I've been praying so long, waiting patiently, yet help has yet to come... I don't know whether I'm asking for the wrong things, not getting the prayer across right, or what... Ahh, I think I'm about to start crying.

-:|:-.Some.Start.-:|:-

Looks like this is beginning to be another year that ain't meant for me to be happy, to be struggle-less, to be free...

Ahh.. How does that Tupac .&. Biggie song go.???

"Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight?
Why am I trying to see, when there ain't nothing in sight?
Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try?
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to die?"

I just constantly feel unwanted...

-:|:-.Trying.To.Get.Up.-:|:-

It's seems that half of November, all December and even starting in this month, I've been so stressed and depressed. The weight just keeps piling on my shoulders when all I want to do is get up...

I feel like I'm being pulled... Here on one hand, I have my mother(with the influence of her husband) telling me that I need to go back to school, get a job, help with bills, pay rent, do more around the house and ya, ya, ya.. But then I have my boyfriend and girlfriend telling me they don't want me to work and to not let her get to me... Then I have friends telling me I need to get away.. I don't know... I just feel so lost in the smoke.

Ofcourse I want a better life, but I want to please everyone and I don't want any less time with my boyfriend than the time I'm getting now... Is there a way to kill all these birds with one stone.???