-:|:_Settle 4 You_:|:-

-:|:_Mama, I Made It_:|:-

"I told you Ms. Carter... here we are

(Mama I made it)
You know how I do it like the doc do it
I fly through it
That's how I operate (Mama I made it)" -- Jay Z

--

Only an hour and a half of labor, lol... My child couldn't wait any longer to be born... Plus I also had to rush because I was on the verge of a seizure and my child was on the verge of dying... All i got to say is- Thank you God... Truly. Glad my mom didn't take any pics of me looking all crazy with a mask on my face, lol... Not a good look... And the fact that I had to have a natural birth --- Lawd... Pain.!
I told my mother to please make them give me drugs, lmao.. All she said was, "I'm sorry.. they can't..." and the doctor was telling me to relax, breathe, and keep pushing...

Relax.???? ......... I think I wanted to slap her.... lol.

I won't bore with the full details of all that happened that day.. It scared the shits out of some people, lol... Hell, scared me too for a minute... But me and baby are at home resting well... And soon we'll be well... Plus I got two different types of pain narcotics, lmao.

My experiences with the pregnancy should make me NEVER want to have another child but it was all worth it... I love my son and he loves me.. That's all that matters... The fact that on December 20th, at 4:57am, I welcomed Tavon Omari to the world.

Wanna see more pics.. Hit me up at toya.victory.lane@gmail.com
Or hit the cell phone... Got a new number by the way so uhhh, you'll have to hit me up there to get it, lol. haha..

-Deuces-

-:|:_Eryk Rodriguez_:|:-

Likes to wear white boxers with red hearts all over.

*I have proof*

*grins*

-:|:_My Life or His_:|:-

Choice - Noun

1. The act of choosing; selection.
2. The power, right, or liberty to choose; option.
3. One that is chosen.
4. A number or variety from which to choose: a wide choice of styles and colors.
5. The best or most preferable part.
6. Care in choosing.
7. An alternative.

--------------

When the definitions are put that way, it's seems like choosing is as easy as going to the store and picking out a pair of shoes to go with that little black dress or that black suit you're wearing to a dinner affair. In some cases, it is that easy but... What happens when the choice to be made is a matter of life and death.? What then.? How do you decide.?

"Innie Minnnie miney Moe" doesn't work in that case. Nor does asking someone else's opinion on the situation. It's a decision that will change your life or end it. But wouldn't you be selfish for ending someone else's life to save your own.? and on the other hand, wouldn't you be taking a piece of everyone else's life for ending your own.? How do you know what decision is the right one.? Who and how can a situation with that much at stake be judged.?

I keep getting told not to stress because it'll only make matters worse and raise the probability of the incident occurring but when you tell someone something is going wrong and could be getting worse, that the results may end in death -- how are they not supposed to stress out.? I can't trigger the endorphins in my body to make me smile and feel happy. It's just not possible. Some people may feel alright in the fact of knowing that yes - it's only probable. Not definite, but that will definitely not ease my mind.

All I can do is wait for D day, right.? But will it stand for delivery or doom.?

-:|:_9.Months_:|:-

Oh wow... We're here finally.? Lol
Seems like this has been the longest nine months I've ever experienced... Besides getting over someone but that's another story...

21 days until my due date... 3weeks.! Lol. And this little creature knows because I've been getting anxious kicks for the past two weeks. Not to mention the restless nights. I guess I'm being prepared for what's to come.? Lol. I remember those nighs with my siblings(the ones I raised like they were my own) and they weren't no sweet potato pie... Waking up to fix bottles or put them back to sleep, changing diapers and then not being able to go back to sleep myself, lol.

So... I'm going to try breastfeeding... See how it compares to the bottle plus the fact that baby gets more nutrients that way and it's supposed to make mother/child bond even more... But if it hurts like hell or feels too damn awkward, well then we'll find other ways to bond, lol.

Oh yeah.. I think my family is planning a surprise baby shower.??? I overheard my mother on the phone with my youngest aunt and they were mentioning food, invitations and the Party Warehouse... But then again, that's so unlike my family so it could be something else... We'll see.

-:|:_I'm.Open_:|:

I get alot of private emails, Myspace emails, and IMs from friends and sometimes even strangers asking me for advice...
I get told I'm a great listener, advice giver, counselor, mentor, you name it.
Alot of the times the stories or advice needed are very similar... Surprisingly as well, it's similar in both genders... So that gave me the idea to share my blog...

What I mean by that is --- For those who want to come to me for advice, my opinion, or even just my ears/eyes, you can hit me up on the places I'll name below.. Or even anonymously hit me up through a comment here and I'll publically share it on my blog... Anything personal will remain anonymous also unless you tell me it's o.k to reveal info about you...

Those who have been hitting me up privately and don't want to be on my blog, that's fine.. Just let me know... New people are welcome to the same treatment...
Sometimes I just feel like I'm responding with the same answers to the same problems or someone has trouble explaining themselves then will see something someone else wrote and feel like, "OMGosh.!! That's exactly what I was trying to get out.!!" lol. So.. the door is open for whatever guys... Come on in. :)

AIM: TRoqka
Yahoo: s0.amaz1n
Myspace: www.myspace.com/troqka
Email: queen.banks.ent@gmail.com

-:|:_Recap_:|:-

Mmm...
It's been a second since I posted a blog... Or hell, wrote anything, lol.

Golly.!! Baby lets me get NO sleep so I'm always tired and as the numbers are crunching down 'til the due date, I got more and more things to do... Lord, I'll be so happy to not have to go to the hospital for check-ups every 4.weeks and other hospital visits for whatever's in between... I'LL BE OFF THE PRE-NATAL PILLS.!! I hate taking them damn horse tranquilizer looking pills. UGH.!!

Next week I'll be going on th hospital tour and I have to admit that I'm a little bervous about it... I just hope I don't start crying up in there when I have to see the room I'm in, the NICU unit, and hear all th talk of what could go wrong... I just want to go in and deliver, lol.. & if something happens, put me to sleep until you can tell me my baby is O.K...

Uhh, I'm getting realll tired all of a sudden and need to eat so um, I... think I'm going to round this one up... Will be back soon with more up to date info..

P.S. - Those who know about the letters and think they'll be getting one.. I'm STILL working on them... Wrote about half of each one when I sent the email out so.. I gotta finish them...LOL. They ARE coming though.. Before baby.!! I hope.!! Lol..
Later.

-:|:_Sexy.Can.I.?_:|:-

I was talking with someone and we were talking about the things that makes a man sexy to us... Going over past relationships and talking about the things that they did in which we found sexy(Making you get that "hbdfhfgthfh" feeling -- as me and my sisz used to call it, lmao)... So... Here is a list of a few of the things I said. in NO particular order.

1. When he shows authority with you. :i.e "We're going out tonight" instead of "Um, would you like to go out tonight.?":

2. When you're sad and he does anything to make you smile THEN talks about the problem and solution with you.

3. When he's sad or worried and smiles at you so you won't feel so worried about him.

4. When he tells you how he can't wait to get back to you.

5. When he butters you up by acting like a kid(talking to you as if you were his mom, batting his eyes, saying "pleeasse.??" and etc,to get his way)... Then boasts over how he suckered you into that, lol.

6. How YOU sucker HIM into doing something then to get his manhood back, he speaks firm with you, LMAO. (You play along by batting YOUR eyes and just saying "'kay..." lmao.)

7. When he gets demanding(not controlling).. Yeah, you argue back but you know your panties are wet, LOL.

8. When he makes you mad then says something to make you smile.. You try not to but lose the fight because he says some shit like, "I know you wanna smile.. Look at you.!"

9. When he calls or sends a text at a time he KNOWS you're sleeping to say he misses or loves you... You can't even be mad, lol.

10. When he knows you're sleepy as hell but makes you stay up until HE gets sleepy.

----
I'm going to add more to this list later... I'm being kicked right now, lol.. By the way..

Just made it into my 8th month this passing Saturday..




And it was also my brother's wedding day.!!!


The Bankston's

-:

--Disclaimer:: This isn't new.. I had this on another spot that I'm deleting things from but... Since I wrote it, I don't want it to be fully gone.. I keep a record of EVERYTHING.

December 18, 2007 - Tuesday

Emotions.Out.
Current mood: crushed
Category: |.Missing The Love Of My Life.| Blogging


The year is almost over and... I'm still not over it... Still not over you. How can 4 years just be broken so easily.?

I try to remain friends with you but you always take it there... Back to that level that I'm still so comfortable with.. And I find myself getting lost in the past with you and it hurts me. So I try to stay away from you.. Away form you, your voice, your words, your thoughts -- everything about you... But something always has to remind me of you and I find myself wrapped inside "US" again... It's a slow killing pain to know that you're right there but nothing's the same with us... Can't tell if it will ever be.

I should hate you... And my heart does... But my soul... It has a love of it's own for you that refuses to let you go... I even hate it when someone asks me about you... "Where's Eryk.?" .. "How's Eryk.?" -- I used to know the answer to those questions every second.

With not knowing... I can't even sleep anything...

Can't think straight...

Can't go a week without shedding a tear or two for you...

For us.

Is it wrong for wanting everything we had back...? Even the bad times.? The times we weren't so sure if we were going to make it but through God and everyone who loved "US" we did.? Is it wrong for missing every loving moment and memory with you.? Every morning and night with you.? Even every fight with you.?

What about the break ups to make up.? What happened to that.? I guess all I can do is apologize... Apologize to you, to me, and to us for everything... I know I'm to blame for most of what went down but if I can take it back, I'd give my life up for it. I told you I'd "Die For You" ... And I meant ALL three words of it.


Currently listening :
Complex Simplicity
By Teedra Moses
Release date: 01 November, 2004

---

July 18, 2007 - Wednesday

so.im.back.
Category: Blogging


but it's not becuz of the reason u may think...

nothin has really changed.. for those who dunno.. im sorta seperated at tha moment.. not my choice but.. tha hand i was dealt n must play..

so dun let tha pics or status fool u.. but yes.. dey will always mean tha same to me no matta wat..



so.. about me leavin.. cancelin erthing.. i was at tha end of my road.. at a crossin.. felt like erthing was ova n dat was nuttin else left for me.. so i chose tha route i knu was wrong but felt dere was no otha way.. as u can see tho.. im still here so i dun need tha talk.. i kno my choice was wrong.. but at dat time.. it felt rite..



i kno im sorta talkin in riddles but i still cant cum out n fully say wat i did.. i kno it was wrong.. NOW.. so dats all dat matters... dere r otha ways to handle tha world as i kno it endin.. i jus gotta figure dem out..


Currently listening :
T.I. vs T.I.P.
By T.I.
Release date: 03 July, 2007

-:|:_Breathing_:|:-

Yeah, I'm still breathing... Just been having some times and having nothing worth writing about...

:Update: I cut my hair... Did it myself.. Not sure if I like it yet..

In case y'all ain't know.. My brother and two of my cousins have a group called Monst☆rz(rap)... Well... They just signed with a label.!! So congratulations to them.!! Check them out on myspace http://www.myspace.com/monstarzfanpage
Don't forget to tell 'em who sent you.!

P.S. - Noah's Arc the movie: IN THEATRES OCT. 24TH.!!!

-:|:_The.Clouds_:|:-

White clouds passing me
As I stand stagnant in the sky
For I have run away here
In attempt to free myself from burden

Yet the sky has deemed me ineligible
Tells me my heart is too full to fly
It tells me I must go back
Face my demons before I can be free

So with fear - I come back down to Earth
Greeted by the ghosts of oppression
Their chastising and mockery
Tempting me to run once again

- But at once -

A breeze from the clouds touches me
A sign of guidance and support
So I step towards my ghosts
Submerge myself in my old misery

- And -

Surrounded by the clouds breeze
I reach the center of turmoil untouched
I realize the breeze is my sword
My armour against the reprehensible

As if realization verbally speaks
Oppression's ghosts disappear before me
The clouds welcome me to join them once again
Yet I choose to keep my life on Earth

-:|:_7.Months_:|:-

Lol, I know much ain't changed from 6...
I guess this is as big as it's going to get.???
Unless I shoot up by the 9th.. But hey, less weight to lose once I have the baby...

Oh yeah.. I know what it is now.!! Lol.. Can you guess.?

-:|:_Fuck You, Signed Sincerely_:|:-

I don't really know how to start this but... I have to get it out because it's been beating through my mind to be put out for quite some time.. So I'll give my mind what it wants -- Freedom from it.

The reason I moved to Colorado with a father that was a stranger to me and still is was because I was at my wits end with the way things were going at home... Me and my mother couldn't even be in the same room without something negative being said and I was tired of living next to her and her husband with whom I'd always here talking about me to his kids and even her.. But did she ever stand up for me.? Hell no...

The night I decided to leave, was the night he don't me I COULD leave and that I ain't have to be in HIS house... Two sentences that she will probably forever say he didn't mean... He did though...

Now being away from my mother, we had a cool relationship.. We were like friends and talked at the least, once a day... We'd gotten close.. I was even close to my other siblings...

Not even foue months had passed when I realized that my father wasn't shit and should have been left in the past... Only thing he gave me were two brothers and a sister... Which whom were all created through infidelity... But they were still family and my happiest times in Colorado were when my youngest brother on his side came to Colorado to be out there with me... I had an ally and a best friend... But like I said...

My father ain't shit so his "ain't shit" qualities drove my brother to leave -- Leaving me to myself again... My whole goal was to go out to Colorado and do me, stack up and be on my own... Fuck everyone... And I was still willing to do that even after my brother left but my brother's departure seemed to have created more tension in the house... Not to mention my father becoming a once again drug addict... Which I never knew he was in the past... Until I told my mother about him leaving for weeks at a time on crack binges and leaving me to be alone with his girlfriend and her son..

Luckily work had slowed down at the time or I'd have missed ALOT of money... But when he returned, he didn't even speak or look in my direction.. Let alone take and pick me up from work.. So I had to find my own ways there.. Luckily I'd learned the buses out there but the buses stopped super early and my work schedule was usually from 2pm til 2am.. So I was taking cabs home every night.. He also stopped buying groceries.. His girlfriend would only buy food for her son and they'd usually eat out.. So that left me to have to buy my own food and groceries, pay $2 a day for the bus and pay $20 a night for a cab ride home.. I was already making scratch at work even though they slaved us like dogs so now I was dipping deep into my bank account.. I also never wanted to be at home so I'd stay at a hotel with some friends on the days I didn't have to work, was smoking about 2 packs of ciggarettes a day and drinking due to stress... I was living paycheck to paycheck...

Some time after that, my father shockingly one day asked me if I wanted him to drive me to work... My mind told me something was up but all I could think of was time and the bit of money I'd save from having to take the bus so I accepted... then what my mind suspected came out.. He told me he was going away for 3months, his gf was going to geta 1bedroom place, and that her son was going to stay with a friend until he went off to college... That I could go with her if I helped her with the bills... What the fuck.?! So during my break I called my mother and told her about this news I was just delivered... This news also came just as I'd found out I was pregnant.. So now I'm finding out I'm pregnant and homeless...

I immediately start searching for my own apartment but realized I only made enough to cover rent and utilities.. Forget about food and other needs... And just my luck.. I also have a baby on the way.. I hadn't smoked or drank since I found out I was pregnant but all of the stress REALLY made me wish I could... I even thought about having an abortion but... That's something I could never go through with. So my last resort was to call my mother and tell her I wanted to come back home... I figured we were close now, nd things in the house would have changed.. it'd been over 6 months... She said she'd help me with the ticket and call my father and ask him to help me ship my things back to California and take me to the airport on my departure day.. he agreed to it.. SO I packed up ALL my shit 2 and half weeks prior to leaving... I was ready to get the fuck out that house..

Maybe a week and a half before I was supposed to leave, I was off work and went to the ATM to withdrawel some mone for a cab but the machine wouldn't let me get any out.. So... I had to call my father and see if he'd come get me.. Surprisingly he did... But once I got in the car, he told me we weren't going home right away.. All I said was, "ok"... He took me to a bar, though he was already a bit drunk.. A bar he said not even his gf knew he went to... Told me to order a drink... I ordered a Shirley Temple... A non-alcoholic drink... He made fun of the color of it.. Didn't know what it was.. Just thought it was a some sort of fruity alcoholic drink.. told me I'm supposed to order something like Hennesey straight.. I told him I was good... So he starts talking about some shit that I'm half listening to because it's after 2am, I'd been working all day and night, was feeling sick, and was tired of having to decipher his words.. Then he gets silent, orders another drink, dons half of it, then tells me that he knows I'm pregnant.. I just stared at him.. he knows I'm pregnant... Yet we'd been at this bar for almost 40 minutes and he keeps trying to make me get a glass of Hennesey or Bacardi... What the fuck.?!

He kept asking me who the father was and I wouldn't tell him.. He said he bet he knew who it was.. Actually named the father, lol.. But still I wouldn't tell him.. So he starts talking about how he's thought to be clinically crazy and could probably get away with killing someone.. Just tell the police he had a moment.. I told him I was glad he told me this and that the bartenders and customers overheard him.. they all laughed but I was kind of serious..

So some time after 4am, we leave the bar, he's had maybe 6 and a half drinks and a beer so he's fucked up... Nut he's still not ready to go home.. he tells me he wants to show me some other spots of his... I'm hoping it's not another bar... It wasn't.. But the places he took me were even worse.. Now I've grown up in the projects and been in the ghetto hoods all my life so I know the streets well... The second we pulled up to the first store, I knew the cars I saw to be cars of drug dealers before they even rolled their windows down and knew the cars pulling in to be the cars of people looking to find drugs, including the one we were in.. Yes, this was one of the places he dissapeared to get crack.. And from all the drug dealers and seekers knowing him, I knew there was also more than crack going through his system.. After going into the store to use the ATM and coming out empty handed, due to the machine being down.. He left to find another ATM.. After going to 3 more plus seeing if he could get crack on credit from another dealer, he drove all the way back home to use the ATM outside the bank..

Coming up empty handed again.. he took me to a crack house... Trying to see if he could score off one of them.. They were dry, or else not willing to give up their goods, so he then took me to a few whore houses to see if any of the women he's givenmoney to would be willing to give him some of what they got but none were out so finally he gave up.. I forgot to mention he'd asked me for money earlier.. So he stops the car and tells me that I'm going to drive us home.. Keep in mind, it's still pitch black, Colorado barely has street lights, I had no glasses, was half sleep, sick, and wasn't a driver.. Plus I'm taking directions on the quickest way to get home from Crack/Whore County by a very drunken man... So I ended up getting pulled over... Thank God they let me off -- without a Driver's license mind you... {brushes my shoulder off}

So.. remember I said my father was supposed to help me ship my boxes back here.? Wellhe didn't didn't.. Nights before I left.. He went on a another crack binge.. While his gf was in Maine at her mother's funeral.. He also brought home some young, white, and chubby girl with whom he slept with in their bed, on the sheets they slept on every night.. I wasn't even sure if he was going to be there to take me to the airport.. So I had my mother call him to remind him of the date and time and if he was going to still take me.. he told her he was... She also told him I needed to go close my account since we don't have that bank out here.. he said he would do that too.. The reason I didn't do it myself was because I wasn't talking to him... So the day before I was supposed to leave, he called me and told me that he'd be home and 4:30 to take me to the bank and to ship the boxes... So I got ready... 4:30 came and went... He then called back at 5pm and told me that a friend of his would pick me up and take me to the bank.. He shoud be there at 5:30... That came and went.. By 7pm.. I WENT to bed...
4:30am, I get a msg from him telling me that e'd be home @t 7:45 to take me to the airport and that he'd ship my boxes home for me through the hotel's UPS account.. He came home after 8am.. When I had to be in Denver by 10:30...Talked on the phone for a minute and drank before even loading my luggage in his car... Finally he's ready to leave after getting one more drink.. Stops at gas station... Tells me I could take all my money out my accounts for free at this one and just call the bank when I get home and tell them to close my account... I said ok even though I knew we were going to be late only because he smelled like stale ass, musty ass sex, crack, and booze... I needed some air.! The machine kept telling me my code was wrong, which I knew it wasn't so I called and they told me I'd have to change my code but couldn't use it until 24hrs had passed but I could go to any bank to withdrawel money from either of my accounts... When he turned back the other way to go towards the bank, I wondered what the fuck was he doing since we were already going to be late and why he wanted to take me to the bank now when he was BEEN supposed to but didn't...

So.. As we're driving to Denver.. He's on the phone with someone telling them how he has NO money, doesn't know how he's going to pay his half of the rent and bills, get groceries, pay his half of the carnote {which his gf couldn't even drive but the car was in her name and she was paying more than him on it}, and a list of other things.. I KNEW then that he was going to ask me for money and that's the only reason he was so eager to help me with that pat of his deal... So we arrive at the station.. This nigga helped me bring my four suitcases in, stood in line for a sec with me then said something about how he needed to go back to try and get some money fro a friend before some office closed but needed to borrow $40 for gas to make it back and to the places...
So since he'd supposedly be handling getting my boxes shipped on his own..i gave it to him.. Would let that go on the money spent for them.. Soon as I gave it to him.. he basically said bye and left immediately.. Didn't even see if I'd still be allowed to get on my flight.. Which I wasn't.. Had to be put on a later flight which may or may have not had extra seats.. Plus my luggage was so heavy and due to the new 2 suitcases per passenger rule, I didn't have enough to get all my luggage on the flight.. I was $60 short from the over $200 dollar price.. So I called him and told him what happened.. He tells me he's already in Colorado Springs and if I could just leave my suitcases there and he pick the up the next day.. i told him I'd asked and tey said no.. So he had to come back and get them... Keep in mind Denver is 2hrs away from the springs and I'd only been in the airport for 40 minutes..

So he comes and picks up the luggage, and leaves immediately again after telling me to call him to make sure I made it to Cali.. Now I have to wait 3 and a half hours to even see if they'll have room for xtra passengers on this flight.. Thank God they did.. So once I get off the flight and get picked up, I call him to tell him I did and this nigga the audacity to tell me that his birthday was a week ago and I didn't get him nothing so what was I going to send him from Cali.. i told him nothing and to consider the money I GAVE him a birthday gift.. This bastard said he wanted something else.. Like a platinum chain..I told him he was crazy and funny... That my phone was going to die and I had to go.. Last time I talked to him.. And til this day, he hasn't shipped my things.. Probably sold them for crack money or gave them to his girlfriend's daughter who's fat ass can't fit into shit anyway..

-------------
Back home...

So the first week back home.. my mother tells me she has to stay at a hotel for a week for work reasons and that her husband has to fly somewhere that as well so I'd be watching the kids.. What the fuck.? Back in this babysitter, house sitter sit already.?! But I didn't complain.. until.. the night one of her kids whom I know longer consider my brother threw a box of ice cream at me and hit me in my stomach, right where the baby was and she blamed me for arguing with someone younger than me and called me childish.. Fuck seeing if I was okay or anything.. I'm wrong for upsetting HIM.. What type of shit is that.. That was view one that ain't shit changed with her or in te house... then wonce she returned.. Now I had no clothes, or money to get new clothes yet the ones I did have or fitting tight and my breasts are bursting out of my shirts... She's constantly telling me I'm being fast and don't need to be walking around the house in front of men like that.. What she meant by men was her hsuband.. So I told her if she didn't like the clothes I had, why don't she buy me some that fit... She said nothing. Just stared at me then walked away..

So remember i said the day of my flight home was the last time I talked to my father.? And not because I didn't try to contact him... I called, texted and even emailed his gf to ask them if they were going to send my shit or not.. And never got an answer or response from neither of them... Well one day he called my mother's cell and told her that there was a check at the hotel from me and that he couldn't pick it up and send it to me unless I sent a letter to them telling them he could.. What the fuck.?! This nigga is trying to take my damn check.. he must think people are as dumb as him... So, I immediately sent a fax to the hotel giving them my forwarding address to send it to me.. I guess they didn't tell him I did that because a week later I get an email from his gf telling the same thing he told my mother... Now this bitch wants to contact me.??? Ha.. That was the last time me and my mother heard from either of them...

So my mother... Whom instantly went back to her old ways once I came home.. Once the check arrived, she wanted to know how much it was for and I wouldn't tell her so she was pissed at me for that.. Her husband too was back to his ways... So I had to use that check for groceries for myself because they were never buying any and would go get the kids fast food but not bring me anything back.. So that was gone quick.. But I stretched the shit out of it.. And thank God that when my grandmother stayed over for a week she gave me $20 because I'd completely ran out of money and didn't know what I was going to do for food..

My mother saw me come in the house with a few groceries one day and demanded to know where I got the money from.. I wouldn't tell her so again, that pissed her off.. Then when one of my siblings asked me for something, I told them no, and to go ask their mother.. I cursed out and told how I could leave out of her house and how I'd be fixed for being trifling.. I said nothing.. Ignored it... She went upstairs.. Came down a half hour later and asked me if I was stealing money from her.. i just laughed and ignored her again.. She asked again and I didn't even blink.. So she went back upstairs.. When her husband came home.. I heard her upstairs arguing with him.. Asked him if he was giving me money.. he told her no and why would he give me money... She asked him where was I getting it from then.. he told her not him and to ask me... She then asked him what was he doing with me or what was I doing for him to be getting money from him... Wowwww...

That moment I wished I wasn't pregnant so I could go atleast 3hrs without throwing up so I cold get a new job and get the fuck away from these crazy ass people.. I didn't talk to anyone in the house after that.. Not the kids even.. In which their heads were being filled with notions, that I was evil, hateful, stingy, and trifling by their parents anyway.. So they didn't want anything to do with me either.. Until after they'd found a new place to move.. in which my mother approached me and told me that if I was going to move with them, I'd have to cook 3 times and week and clean up as payment for living with them...

So once we moved, things were going pretty smooth.. But of course.. it always comes to the deep end of the pool.. A week or so ago.. I was in my mother's room asking her if she was going to braid my hair, which I'd be asking her repeatedly all that week.. She said she'd do it if I braided one of my sister's heads.. Which I did.. So now it was her turn to do her part of the deal.. Now I'm asking her, and also asking her if she was still going to throw me a baby shower because my aunt in law wanted to know and I needed to give her an answer.. Everytime I asked her a question, she ignored it or started to answer and then stopped to answer someone else question... So I said, "Can I get a yes or no so I can leave.?" She blows up and asks me why am I in her room anyway.. That I'm only in there because her husband is in the room and why am I in there with a shirt and short shorts on with my robe open anyway.. Who am I dressed like that for or some shit.. I wanted to throw the phone I had in my hand at her but instead, I walked out her room, slamming the door behind me and went upstairs to the other duplex to do something out of pure and utter anger.. I cut my hair and cut my arm...

Is it possible to truly hate the people who gave birth to you.? I think I might...
In closing, I say to the both of them,

Fuck You
Signed Sincerely,
ShaToya Q.

-:|:_6.Months_:|:-

Yes, this is me at 6 months...
I know.!
I BARELY look pregnant.! Lol
But there's a baby in there.. Trust me.. It DANCES in my stomach all the time.. Might even stay up longer than I do.. That says a hell of alot too.

The other night, my fam and friend were over and got to feel it move instantly.. Anytime they touched my stomach, it was moving... I was like, "Yeah, it's like that every day..." Lol.

I wonder what the hell I'll look like when I'm almost due..

-:|:_Those.3.Words_:|:-

I miss them...

-:|:_Just.Stop_:|:-

Why do people do shit you've told them upsets you, hurts you, or annoys you after you've repeatedly told them that it does and you don't like it.?

I would seriously like answers to this...

-:|:_Circles_:|:-

When we break up, we replay all the bad things in the light of how could we have fixed it instead of believing that there was no way it couldn't have been fixed if we did this or changed that...

Humans are not so quick to change patterns, and when we can't or don't see the pattern that our partners claim we have, it's damn near impossible... Sure we say, "O.k baby.. I'll fix it..." but truthfully, we only do it to stop all the fucking nagging, arguments, and silent treatment.. So since we never thought said problem you claimed we had existed, we can't and don't fix shit.

THEN once it ends, we finally evaluate ourselves from the outside in - to see how could someone possibly say we had this trait in us - and finally realize, "Yeah, I did do that..." Then through self realization, we not only change, but we grow..

So we do one of two things...

1. Tell ourselves it's too late and we blew it..
That the person has probably moved on already or not willing to take us back.. We've missed out on something that meant the world to us.

Or

2. We try and get them back..
If you're lucky, they are there with opened arms because they believe in the boomerang effect.. If you love it, let it go.. If it's meant to be, it will come back again.. Unfortunately for the unlucky ones, you've grown and changed a little too late. They're not willing to take you back and don't believe you've changed. Or.... They HAVE moved on...

----------

Now comes the confusing and depressional phase.. Out of pur love for this person, we want and try to be happy for them because that's all we ever wanted for them.. We truly mean it when we say, "I just want you to be happy. Even if it's not with me." -- Yet we don't believe that we ourselves will ever be truly happy unless we're with them and feel that we were put on this earth to be their soulmate and ruined it for the both of us.

--------

They don't believe they'll ever get the happiness back that they once shared with you and someone new comes in their life that brings back those feelings of happiness they had with you and you're so happy to feel those sparks again that you run with it and don't look back.. Tell yourself, "Now this time I won't take it for granted, I won't let it end.. I'll fight this time before I let it get to where the last one was taken." But.. Somehow it falls apart anyway.. So again you move on.. You fall in love even quicker than you did with us so you believe in your heart of hearts that this must really be the one this time... Now you you feel what you felt with us, and the one after us, combined.. Things look great.. Then the problems start.. Neither one of you can deal with it yet neither one of you want to be faced with another relationship gone wrong...

-------
To be continued...

-:|:-.Cancerous.-:|:-

So I went to the doctor because they told me they found something abnormal in one of my routine prenatal exams... Didn't tell me over the phone. Said my doctor needed to speak with me...

Now my nurse practicioner told me I'd be dealing with her, not my doc, until my due date aproaches and delivery... Unless there was something wrong... So getting a call saying I needed to see him and he needed to talk to me made me nervous. I didn't even want to go to my appt.

I get there, wait forever in that little white room, then he comes in and sits in front of me after introducing his self... He looks slightly nervous, sighs, then tells me that I have HPV and I'm at stage 2. Explains that it's a cervical cancer and there are 5 stages before it's full blown cancer.

My eyes grew big... He sensed that and told me that at the stage it's in, it can be removed but... Not until after the baby is born because they can't put me to sleep, numb me up, give me drugs are cut anything out without risking harming the baby...

I guess that was supposed to make me feel better but, it's July and the baby isn't due until towards the end of December... So who's to say if by then it won't get to stage 5.? Where they can't go in and cut it out... And how the hell am I pregnant in the first place.???

My mother said this must be a miracle baby... That being said, will my child be o.k. and will I be able to have more.???

-:|:-.Hmm.?!-:|:-

You ever watch a movie as an adult that you loved as a child and some shit about it all of a sudden stands out to you.?

Why was I watching "Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory" and that dude had pedophile type tendecies to me.? Lmao. I must explain, I know....

O.k. I'm sure dude watched the news to know which contestants were picked and knew they'd be interviewed at home amongst their gatherings so he got an example of their interests -- plotting how to set them up.!

Ain't it funny how as the movie progressed, he ran into each of their vices.?

The fat boy's being his love of chocolate... Willy didn't want a fat boy...

Next to go were the girls... He didn't want it to be a girl...

O.k. He knew Charlie and his grand pops stayed behind drinking the fizz drink but he ignored it.. He'd already picked the object of his affection.!

So the last one he had to get rid of was the boy who loved TV and video games... OMG.! A TV room where he could put his self on TV.! What a coincidence.! Lmao.

So he walks off like it's all over... No prize... But just like he wanted, Charlie came to him... His prey...

He's now happy.. Offers to give him the whole operation.. Makes up some bullshit story about not trusting adults.. Hmm... I bet if the story went on, Willy and Charlie spent many days and nights together holding hands and telling each other secrets...

Classic Michael Jackson vs Poor child scenario... Take the poor or sickly boy, show him a better life with you, then suck him in.! Or off, lmao...

o.k. I quit lmao.. Bet you think about it the next time you watch that movie..

P.s. I love MJ.! Lol.

Happy Birthday To Me.!

Birthday was yesterday... Made it to 22... Baby in my tummy made it to 17weeks yesterday as well.. Go us.!! Lol.

How did we celebrate.? We rested all day and ate chicken. :) yes, that is a huge thing.. I haven't been able to hold down a thing.. Hopefully that is signs of me getting over morning sickness. i am damn near 5 months. Where is the breeze of the second trimester I've heard so much about.???

Anyway.. Special thanks to those who remembered and showed love.. i love you back.!!